Jan 7th, 2026:
Sometimes I'm struck with such an incredible sense of loneliness that I end up feeling completely insecure in all of my ongoing relationships. When this happens, I'm never quite sure if I'm being paranoid and delusional or if I'm finally feeling lucid. I can easily justify either opinion in my brain, but it's much easier to gravitate towards the latter, since I'm already feeling isolated and unable to reach out to anyone for anything more meaningful than a short discord text chat.

When I feel like this, my immediate urge is to surround myself with people, so I normally go sit around in a vrchat instance for basically every single waking hour. This only really helps insofar as to keep me away from my own thoughts when I'm there and constantly engaged in communication. The downside to this is that I have to be constantly engaged in communication; I don't feel better just because I'm surrounded by a bunch of people that I have no urge to talk to. So I basically end up feeling like my mood is regulated by the ebb and flow of people that are willing to talk to me. I don't particularly care what we talk about, and I'm perfectly happy to listen to really whatever they want to talk about. But I feel bad communicating in this way. I think I have great conversations and I get to learn a lot about really interesting people, but the underlying motivation of seeking this out for a sense of relief makes me feel like I'm using and churning through people for my own gain. This obviously feels rather awful and it makes me feel like a bad person.

Unsurprisingly, then, I've spent a good deal of time thinking about the morality of this all, and I've found it relatively difficult to come to a conclusion on. Is everyone at a bar an evil person if they're seeking connection out of loneliness and desperation? I don't think I would call those people evil. Are they evil if they don't make their intent clear when they talk to someone? I think that's obviously very situational, but I don't think you should have to say "Hi, I'm here because I feel sad!" every time you start a conversation. But regardless of that, I can't shake the feeling that this behavior is negative for basically everybody involved. I mean, I don't think that's really a huge surprise. When I put it out plain on paper ("paper"), I'm just forming short term connections that I wish would be extremely meaningful because I'm feeling too insecure in my already-meaningful connections that I have. Or maybe I'm trying to use other people to satiate a feeling that only I can affirm or find for myself? Ultimately, I don't think it's too crazy to conclude that this is related to my already deep-seated attachment issues that I've battled with for quite some time. But the knowledge or self-awareness of these things doesn't really make it easier to reach out to friends or to not feel a stinging and awful physical pain when I'm alone. And my friends encouraging me to hang out or affirming me or whatever doesn't really seem to do a whole lot when I'm in this state of mind. And honestly, when I feel like this, I don't really know how I ever felt any other kind of way. It feels impossible right now to imagine that I've ever felt secure in a relationship or that I could have ever sat alone with myself without feeling some horrific sense of dread. None of this is to even say that I feel particularly sad. I feel relatively apathetic right now, and when I'm alone or undistracted I feel scared.

I think the whole point of writing all of this is to express that I really feel like a whore, and I don't want to say that in the sense that I look down on anyone who is sexually open or active. I think that's actually really cool! But in this case I feel kind of disgusted with myself, because all I've been doing is hopping around and desperately trying to garner the attention of people who I probably wouldn't want to talk to in a month. Thinking about that makes me feel pretty sick! Again -- I can't really tell if I'm just overthinking things or if I'm the most evil and manipulative person in the world. Perhaps I'm just in the middle of an unfortunate manic episode, but it would certainly be a very confusing one, since I don't feel very good or energetic or capable or any of the normal signifiers at all. Really the only tells are the socialization and my extremely strong increase in drug-seeking behavior, although I've managed to stave off taking action on the latter for the most part. And again, the potential of me being aware of this doesn't really ease the fact that I'm in the middle of this crushing spiral with basically no idea how to get out.

I don't have a great conclusion on any of this. I'm probably going to keep doing whatever I'm doing and I'll continue to feel somewhat bad about it, and I'm going to keep working on myself and trying to better myself in the meantime. I'm also clearly not doing such a great job at my previously-mentioned idea of not intellectualizing all of my emotional experiences in 2026. I'm trying to encourage myself to seek therapy again. I think this is definitely the kind of thing that getting a therapist would help with, but it's very difficult for me to go through the logistical nightmare of getting an appointment with one and especially after having a good handful of absolutely horrid ones in the past. I can't fully convince myself it will help, even though in my rational mind I know it will. I just have to suck it up and do the relatively easy thing despite having convinced myself that it's too difficult. Hopefully I can do that before I leave myself with more lasting emotional and mental damage from self-destructive and confusing tendencies. And happy new years. It's just as confusing of a January than I could have ever dreamed and hoped for.

Dec 31, 2025:
Ok so I remembered that the reason I stopped in the middle of making this was that I want it to be so that newest posts are on top, and then I got lost in the rabbithole of thinking of better ways to go about making this blog page work instead of just publishing it. It's 8 am. There's a plane going by outside my window, and my tummy hurts.

Nov 26, 2025:
Hello hello hello ! I've been meaning to make this page for quite some time now,, but every time i work on my website I get irritated by the state of things. Unfortunately, i keep putting off making a new page for Who knows how long, so i might just have to do with making updates on this one for the time being.
So - I've been wanting a sort-of low effort daily journal I can update sporadically on this blog at the end of days or such, but the effort of making a whole new html page was enough to dissuade me, so I'm going to try just putting them all in one big ass rolling page and just update it as i go. hopefully this works for letting me journal on here and i don't get bothered by typing on a html document or by my weird font scaling that im too lazy to fix or by (endless list of issues i will not resolve)