chronic pain does not make me want to make art. it makes me wish for a sweet and swift release from this world. it's almost ridiculous, then, that i feel almost ascribed to this ideal that one should turn suffering into some form of expressive medium. i don't want to make art about my pain. i experience enough of it. i think about it enough, talk about it too much, feel it in it's fullness. maybe this is because i have not fully grasped how to cope with it, and my lack of engagement here is a failure to create a healthy medium in which i can incorporate this thing into my life.
i think i've romanticized the "struggling" artist for myself in the past, and i've certainly created many things out of fear, or pain, or hurt, or healing, or all the sleu of emotions that can be negative. i think that it's important to do whatever you can to cope with anything and everything in this fucked up world. but, to be redundant, i don't really love thinking about that. i want to think about beautiful things, things with texture, feeling, stillness and rapture. to be honest, i think at this point i'm interested in basically everything /but/ pain. i'm sure this is just how this thing works. unfortunately, there are a lot of things i don't get tired of day after day, but this doesn't seem to be one of them. i wish i could perservere - i mean, i am, i am still here. but i do really wish i could be more unbothered. i wish i could be positive about it. and ultimately, i guess do want to make art about it. i want to express how it makes me feel, because it's very hard to express how it makes me feel. but i don't want to spend any more of my time thinking about it when it's not happening, and when it is happening, it's damn hard to do just about anything other than cry and think about death.
so that's about everything i have to say on this matter. i don't really have it in me to edit or to be eloquent here today, but i need to get this off my stupid chest. i also don't have it nearly as bad as some people. to everyone who suffers from chronic pain, you are so strong and i love you, and you should keep going.