2024 was my self-prescribed year of healing and i still think that to be true but 2025 has undoubtably been my year of hurting. 2025 has hurt both physically and mentally more than any other year in my life, or at least it feels to me like that way. i've felt more devoid of inspiration, more alone, more regressing, less "myself", basically just Bad In Many Or Most Ways this year than ever before.
i know that's not necessarily true, but it certainly feels that way. i've cried day in and day out for months and the hardest part is that i feel like i'm really giving it my all to get better, and it doesn't work.
maybe i've been too prescriptive with assigning my problems or my sadnesses to things, like maybe i've thought "oh, my substance abuse is my problem, i need to fix that so i can heal" and part of that is true, and i fix that and then i do heal to some degree, but then i come out on the other side and i still feel really shattered and sad and broken. it's really hard to talk about it to people because i feel like a broken record even though i really feel like im trying to get better. maybe it's true that i'm not trying enough, but it's so hard. i keep pushing myself, i keep doing hard things, i keep doing things im scared of. all of these things make me feel more confident, they make me feel more qualified, they make me feel more mature, but they don't stop me from being soo so so fucking miserably sad. this is all disregarding the chronic pain but that was a separate post.

man it's just hard to know what to do ! i can't vent about it forever, and i can't live like this forever, and it has kind of felt like i've lived like this forever, which feels really really hopeless and bad. probably at this point i need to stop trying random bullshit in my life and look at taking medicine because Just Maybe i have something wrong with me after suffering so much in this life. but it's really a shame, because i really still feel like it shouldn't be like this. i guess that's where the medicine would come in. like i should be happy! i can think of a million reasons why my life is fucking awesome, but none of it really ends up mattering and it all ends up feeling so freaking bad at the end of the day no matter how positive i am about stuff. so maybe it's just a fucked up problem with my brain and i can fix it and not live my life like this forever. i really hope that's the case.

here's all the things that are making me sad today:
im lonely
i wish i could express myself and make things again
i wish it didnt feel so hard to connect with people lately
i wish i wasn't so tired
i miss live music a lot
i miss being excited about stuff
i miss being excited about doing the stuff that i love
i miss being close with people im less close with now
i wish things were simpler for me emotionally and in action
i hate that it is possible to hurt the people that i care about
i hate that i am still so scared of hurting the people that i care about to the point that it can end up hurting more
i wish i felt like i fit in anywhere. i feel stuck in the middle between too normal and too fucked up for so many places
i miss abusing substances to feel good easily even though i know it was horrible
im not proud of the way i spend my free time
i feel like i'm wasting my time and dying
i don't want to die and i'm so scared of it
i don't want to die before i get to live a happy and fulfilling life
im scared of being alone, and i'm scared of the fear of being alone
i always feel like an alien and i'm sick of disassociating
im dysphoric
i wish my family would stop misgendering and deadnaming me
i don't know what would fix me
i can't tell if i'm an egomaniac or if i still hate myself so severely
i think i put too much weight on myself
i think that i deserve more and i also feel guilty for thinking that
it's hard to trust my own emotions
i really feel like a fuckup
i'm so scared of being alone
and that's about it, perhaps.

thank you to everyone who's in my life. i really mean it when i say i couldn't have made it here without you, even though the "here" right now is really fucking dogshit. i feel bad often when i speak about stuff like this because i worry it makes people feel invalidated or that they dont have an impact or that i don't care, and that really couldn't be further from the truth. and thank you to everyone that i've vented to countless times about all of this, and thank you to everyone who's offered to lend an ear, and thank you to everyone who's accepted me and showed me kindness even in failure or despite me being a stupid dumbass thing that doesn't ever know what the fuck is going on. i'm sorry that i've been so sad. i feel bad for being sad, which is kind of funny. maybe cause i want to be a role model or something - i do strive to be a positive influence in people's life, so having my own life feel like such a mess does kind of fuck that whole thing up a bit, but maybe that whole idea is a bit stupid nonetheless. not that i'm going to stop trying to inspire people to live more freely or expressively or as best as they can. i really don't know if im too selfish or too selfless and i stress about that a lot. i probably think too much about all this shit and i don't really know if it's productive but Well, that's how im used to solving my problems. so anyway, a couple of important remarks:

as soon as possible, i will get a therapist, even though i think i will hate it so much at first. i need to bounce these thoughts off someone without feeling guilty.
i will also try either antidepressants again or Some Sort of Mood Related Substance again if it is prescribed to me, because there's a good chance this is just How I Am and i've done more than enough fighting to reasonably assume that
i will keep doing shit that sucks and hurts and i will grow from it
i will try to be myself even though i feel pathetic and stupid and i have a deep rooted fear of rejection
i will never kill myself
i will continue to try not to self harm even though i think about it every single time i feel like this
even though i feel worse than ever and more scared and more pathetic and more useless and more tired, i will take bigger risks this year of my life than ever. i think that is probably extremely important.

ok, that's about all i can muster writing before i have to sleep at the ripe and beautiful time of 9:36pm on 7/21/2025 (my 27th birthday), so that I can get enough sleep to feel okay at work tomorrow.
mentioning that is a good reminder that i didn't get enough sleep last night. not that this feeling hasn't been frequent, but i think me being more tired than usual probably explains some of the severity. but definitely only a little bit.
anyway. goodnight.